All I got for Christmas

I must have been naughty...

...because this year all I got for Christmas was three hats, a trip to a&e, indigestion, a hangover and worsening of adulthood acne . Which is great. I like hats. I strongly dislike Christmas anyway, so no love is lost between me and Jesus over this debacle. Plus daddy is a bit of Muslim anyway, so I can not really claim to have ever fully engaged with it or understand why we celebrated it.  

Materialism aside what was really terribly exciting was that we got the ultimate present - we got Nanny re-homed in our first choice of Care home, which when I visited it and met the staff appeared to be like the santas' grotto of care homes. The downside of this was because we moved her on the 23rd of December she could not come to our house for Christmas because she needed to settle in. I have not however, just because Nanny has got herself in a nice little home, given up on this campaign. When I finally said good bye to the oldies at her former home I welled up quite considerably because some of their fates are still undecided. So I will find a way I can help the oldies now in my ample free time. 

Christmas Day

My Christmas Day began typically at 12am in a pub in Brighton with my friends. There was no kissing under the mistletoe, there was however a significant amount of staring. 

We stumbled into one of our locals (having been unceremoniously kicked out of our usual Christmas Eve haunt) and there she was. The girl with the most amazing breasts all 20 of us had ever seen.Snowy, fleshy domes of loveliness. As you do in a pub, we had dispersed into smaller sub-groups, each sub group had managed simultaneously to assume a position whereby one to two members of said sub group could take it in turns to admire this ladies beauties. They were outstanding. 

When my turn came up I found myself leaning into my lovely brother from another mother "the troll" and blurting out;

"Motorboat me" 

He jumped. I screamed. It was a weird outburst. Thankfully no-one else heard and no motorboating happened. This statement was,along with the breasts was the first real indication of how bizarre a Christmas I was going to have...